Yeah, I blogged it!

Current Mood: Confused

My hard-labor fantasy camp weekend is over.  My finger is blistered and raw from nailing, legs are sore from lifting, hands full of slivers.  Success!

The garage is coming along nicely, but that as covered in the previous post.

This one is again about me and my fantasy world I like spending so much time in.

So as I said, this was only about the third time I’d seen Nick since he dumped me like eight years ago.  I volunteered to help and I’m glad I did.  But hanging out, made me remember the good times we had when we dated.  He’s such a great guy.  A big ol’ teddy bear  He’s single again as well.  I think a lot of the time I was there, I was picturing us going out again.  Even with 2.5 hours distance between us, it just somehow seems feasible.  I don’t know why.  Considering he’s the only guy I’ve dated for more than one or two dates, and it only lasted four months, I don’t know why I keep dwelling on it.  It’s puzzling to me.  Probably because he’s hot, has a great personality, beautiful eyes…I could keep going.

I’m certain he was NOT thinking the same thing, but I didn’t expect it either.

Ugh, if I could just get rid of these feelings, everything would just be easier.  Become a Vulcan.  Base my life on logic and reason instead of relying these stupid emotions that just cause pain and confusion, and depression.

I’ve been thinking about seeing a therapist again.  For some reason I just think I need to.  Seems like I need to ever couple years or something.  I wonder if I have some kind of bi-polar disorder or something.  I’ll be fine for months or more, then some trigger will hit and I just sink.  At this point, I’ve been sinking for months.  I think I’m about at the same low point I was about five years ago.  At that time I went on Paxil and it really did help, but the side effects were terrible.  I’m going to try St. John’s Wort.  I’m just curious if if would help or not.  I figured I could try it for a month and see what happens.  According to Wikipedia, I shouldn’t expect miracles.

If it even helps a little, it might be the boost I need.  Right now I have these thoughts that keep going through my head about I picture my life, how I want it to be.  But I can’t seem to get the car in gear so I can get there.  Oddly I’m not necessarily attached in this fantasy world, but the happier versions include a partner.  But with those thoughts, I end up with a lot of “what ifs.”  Since I’m essentially a relationship virgin, I don’t really even know where to begin.  I don’t know if I’m capable of having one.  What if the problem is really me?  There’s a good chunk that accepts a lot of blame.  I think it’s to do with the vision I have for what my man would be like, and it really comes down to the two guys that don’t want to date me.  Kevin and Nick.  For some reason I can see myself with either one of them 40 years from now while we wipe drool of each others’ chin in the nursing home.  And because of that vision, anyone I go out with has to fit into that pattern.  And because I rarely date anyway, it makes the odds even more so impossible.

I’ll be 30 years old in less than a year.  30 years old, never been in a relationship, and single.  Maybe it’s because I’m not really a nice person.  But I think a lot of that is just jealousy of what everyone else seems to have.  Love.  That’s what I want most on this Earth.  To love, and be loved in return.  It’s something that I’ve never had.  Family doesn’t count in this case, that’s completely different.  I’ve loved, don’t get me wrong, but it was unrequited, the most painful kind I possible I think.  I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.  So how do I get it?

I think I have to accept myself first.  I’m out of shape, I’m well aware of that.  I hate looking in the mirror.  I don’t go to the gym because I’m lazy, and because now I feel too big to go.  I need to develop better eating habits first and foremost.  If I eat right, I’d lose 10 pounds easily, if not more.  Nick’s been doing yoga and said it feels great when he’s finished and he’s lost a lot of weight doing it, and it builds muscles and flexibility.  Since I pay for The MAC anyway, I should MUST use it!  Or stop paying for it at least.

Another reason I’m depressed is just from financial situations too.  I make ends meet, but that’s ALL I can do. I easily cut expenses, but in turn deprive myself of anything that makes me happy.  And that ends up driving the depression too.  But I’m also not normally a shop-a-holic or anything, but I like my toys, and movies, and trips.  Though I have no one to go with, I want to go somewhere and just explore.  Someplace I’ve never been.  I have plenty of airline miles to get me anywhere in the world I want to go.  I was saving them for an occasion I have only dreamt about, and that’s going on a nice vacation with my man.  But at this point, fuck it.  I need to live for myself.  Even with free tickets, you have to have money to do things while you’re wherever you’re going.

Small changes.  That’s how I have to do it.  Otherwise, I’m doomed to fail.  Again.  I’ll start with cleaning the house and making it look like people live here.  I’m not a good housekeeper.  It’s not really a secret.  But I want to change that.  I want to take my life in a positive direction.  Tomorrow I’m going to work on my plan some more.  I’ve thought about doing as much as going almost “off-grid”.  Obviously not disconnected, but just not taking a browser with me everywhere I go.  Accept that things will continue to play out, even if I’m not online.  Get me ass of the couch, into the kitchen or bathroom to clean, clean, clean!

So that about does it.  It’s very late (early?) and I need sleepy time.  This topic’s not done yet

I did something different this past weekend.  Something I’ve never really done before, at least not to this scale.  I tried my hand at construction.

I went up to Kalkaska after work on Friday to my friend Nick’s place.  He was putting up a garage and I offered to help.  I’d never really done that kind of work and I was curious to see how I’d do.  I figured at the very least, I could use my tall and adequate strength to move stuff around.  He accepted and plans were set.

The drive up was uneventful, which was good.  I made much better time than Google had predicted, and if it weren’t for an error in the directions (Google doesn’t do well with northern Michigan roads), I’d have actually beaten Nick home even though he left an hour before me (he was in Lansing for some training that day).  So I got there, we chatted for a bit, and then had to go pick up the nail gun he was borrowing, and we stopped at the store to get some food and headed back home.

We ate, watched some TV, chatted and caught up.  Nick and I used to date.  He was my first boyfriend, way back in 2001.  Actually, he’s my only real boyfriend.  We only dated for four month.  He broke up with me via email.  I think it kinda fucked me up.  I’m not convinced it hasn’t anyway.

OK, more on that later.  His dad was coming down to help at 9AM Saturday so we had to get some sleep.  Good thing his couch was comfy because his air mattress wasn’t holding air.

His dad showed up and we got started.  He was kinda the foreman, overseeing everything and telling us how things were supposed to go.  It worked well that way.  My nailing skills suck, so I was pretty worthless there if the task required anything more than pounding a nail straight in, but even that wasn’t as easy for me as I had hoped.  Practice makes perfect I suppose, and doing a bunch of nailing is just something I don’t do.

Nick had gotten the back wall and half the left wall done and up last weekend.  We finished up the rest of the walls, got the beam up over the door opening, and most of the wall sheeting done.  For about 11 hours work, minus a couple hours for a lumber and lunch run, it was a good result.  We were pretty wiped out, so some dinner (awesome spaghetti, Nick!) a little TV, showers, and bed.  8AM was going to be there mighty early.

His dad got there a little later than expected, but it was fine.  We got the top row of 2x4s in place and the supports needed for the gable truss on the end.  We got the first truss up and secured, then went to get another ladder at the hardware store.  Nick’s secretary’s husband was coming by in the afternoon to help with the rest of the trusses so we wanted to be ready.  Ladders are expensive though, so we skipped it and made due with what we had.

Mike came by about an hour after we got home and the trusses started going up.  Since there were only two hammers, including the one I brought, and Mike was using that, I kind of ended up not doing much during that time.  Some lifting, but otherwise, Nick and Mike were securing trusses while I got on the ladder to hold it steady and keep the wind from grabbing it.  I guess it was an important job?

The trusses went up, Mike took off and we went for some lunch.  Then it was just getting some boards up along the top peak to keep the trusses even when the plywood starts going on the roof, and to keep the wind from knocking them over like dominos.  We were done around 4pm I think it was.  My blistered index finger was glad for it.

After a quick shower, tossing my clothes in my bag, gathering my tools, we relaxed for a bit and then I need to get headed back to Lansing.  I made it in about the same time frame, 2.5 hours, as going up.  It was a great weekend in that I got to see Nick, this being only the 2nd time or third time since we split.  And I learned a lot.  I especially learned that construction is not really for me.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s very rewarding work.  You take a pile of lumber and make it into a garage.  It was like a big set of Legos

I’m gonna end here.

So I’m finally at the pool. First time of the week. The first few days when it was slower, it was too cool to sit around here and then it got busy and I don’t like going when it’s busy, at least, when I’m by myself.

There are only a dozen or so guys here now so it’s pretty quiet and the sun is out. I’m under an umbrella but it’s very nice. I read chapter four of Brave New World…it’s slow and obviously very dated.

I need to think about getting cleaned up and heading home. At least the site’s packed up

And now Don’t Cry For Me Argentina is on the XM. The disco version!

It’s Sunday afternoon, people are packing up all around me. Soon I’ll have the place almost to myself again.

Again, at the fire. Listening to the stuff going on around me. I feel like I’m in my own little bubble, like an observer. I feel like no one can really see me and that my actions go unnoticed. In a way, it’s true. Why am I afraid to interact with anyone? Is it because it would interfere with my observations? I don’t know.

Why is it so hard to believe that I’m single? And that I would want to just sit around by myself? I don’t see anything wrong with it.

Dusty’s on the iPod, the sun us shining and it’s somewhere in the 70s. Life is good sometimes.

And now the sexy bf has invited me over. Am I just being rude if I don’t go hang out? I don’t want to feel like a charity case and that’s really what it feels like.

Madonna is on someones cd player. The fire is dying down. The crowd to my left is discussing one of the guy’s tattoos that is the logo from the original Halloween movie, apparetnly his favorite movie.

Some screams in the distance.

Sexy Andrew invited me to hang out at their fire. I don’t really want to be social tonight.

Hmmm, it’s another one of those inner reflection times…

As I’m sitting at the fire, looking at a couple of hot guys toss around a volley ball, thinking they’re about mid to late thirties. So I’m thinking that could be my motivation to get going on some kind of diet/exercise plan.

I’ve been told by several guys that your metabolism goes all to hell after 30 and if that happens, then I’m really screwed.

More plans to follow, I’m sure.